it’s 3:43 am i hate pisces season

Because I feel like such a victim, swimming in my trauma and emotions. I know there’s a purpose to it, and that the point of Pisces energy is to use trauma and transmute it to create understanding and light to live a better life, but it is excruciating while I am sitting in all of it, ruminating. And anyway, this season is about being honest about experiences above all else, so that your soul can see a larger perspective and make new changes to be safer and smarter. It’s about learning from your karma. It’s about creating something new out of the chaos. It’s about being at your lowest point so you can rise to the occasion.

And I laugh, thinking about the phrase I said to my therapist last week.

“But I’ve gotta stop acting like a victim! Because I wasn’t ever really that victimized!”

Her response?

“…okay, no, you have actually been very victimized. In so many different ways. And you need to work on feeling validated in that.”

And so what, is this a continuation of that therapy exercise now? Listing the ways that I was so I can see what a survivor I actually am? Because when something is just your life and what you experienced, you don’t see it that way. You just look at it as something you lived through. You don’t see it as some special thing you overcame, because you’re just still alive and made it this far!

At least, that’s how I feel about it anyway.

I mean, fuck, I don’t know, will it all seem easier and not as big of a deal if I just write it all out plainly, like they’re just facts, instead of random memories popping up in my head whenever I’m triggered? Ok, here! Fine!

-I was born the product of a lie and a cheat. My dad was cut off from contacting his first two children (my long lost half siblings) ever again all because I was born.
-I grew up in the cult of the mormon religion. I left at age 18.
-When I was 5 I was abandoned at my empty elementary school and wandered down the street until a random stranger found me on the side of the road and called the police to come get me.
-One of my closest mormon friends when I was 7 was molested by her stepdad and I witnessed it because I was at their house of horrors every day. I witnessed and experienced so many other unspeakable things in that house that I don’t ever care to share about.
-I was raised by a single mom who was never home the majority of my life.
-My mom dated my 6th grade teacher and I was made fun of for it at my middle school.
-When I was 13 I was involved in a huge car pile-up on the freeway. I knew it was going to happen because I had a dream about it the night before.
-I had a chronic illness from age 13 to 27 where my legs would randomly lose muscle tone and drop to the ground for no apparent reason leaving me immobilized in many public spaces to fend for myself without a diagnosis or recognition by any medical doctor that it was a disability. They told me I was making it up for attention.
-My twenty-something pregnant team lead at Target and her unborn baby suddenly died one day when I was 20. The first dead bodies I ever saw in this life were her and her dead baby girl in the casket together.
-I came out as a lesbian at age 21 and it did not go well.
-When I was 23 I was convicted of a crime I didn’t commit. I unknowingly got caught in the crossfire of a custody battle between two dangerous and harmful people.
-I was also raped by a 40 year old man when I was 23.
-I have seen ghosts of people who have passed and have been haunted by scary spirits at different stages in my life…but my light team protection has always been stronger than their dark...which is another way to say that I haven’t gone crazy from it.
-A family member used to call me drunk all the time and tell me to convince him to not kill himself. It made me scared to answer any phone calls.
-I’ve cut myself since age 16. I’ve tried to kill myself in my twenties twice. Both hangings. (I didn’t succeed!)
-When I was 25 I worked at a preschool for a man who was Jehovah’s Witness and consistently told me I shouldn’t exist on the planet because I’m gay.
-(insert that one fact here that you can’t share about in a public space until the person is dead or else your life would be in danger)
-…oh yeah, that other cult I was apart of, too.
-Had my first heartbreak at age 28. (The most normal thing on here, but in my opinion the most painful)
-(insert various other second-hand traumatic situations I’ve been in that are harrowing experiences other people have endured that I was also there for offering emotional support.)

See? Not that much stuff happened, way worse stuff has happened to other people, and it’s no big deal. Everyone in the world has their list of trauma that’s just like this, so it’s fine.

Okay?

So feelings, please leave me alone. I get it, you were victimized, whatever, I honor that.

Now for the love of god, please let me sleep.