if it wasn’t rape
trigger warning: sexual assault, please care for yourself and click away if you need to.
(a poem in honor of April, sexual assault awareness month)
if it wasn't rape, then why have I been out of my body silently staring at the ceiling for the last 32 minutes replaying everything that happened 8 1/2 years ago in my mind?if it wasn’t rape, then why have I not eaten the past three days since I openly spoke to 3 women about all of the details of what you did and said to me that night?if it wasn’t rape, then why didn’t you check in with how i was feeling as i cried out in pain for the majority of the assault?if it wasn’t rape, then why have I been terrified of you ever since that night?if it wasn’t rape, then why did it happen while you were ‘happily in a relationship with another woman?”if it wasn’t rape, then why do I still wake up with nightmares of your aggressive hands all over me in the middle of the night?if it wasn’t rape, then why was i happily having sex with women before i met you, and have now been sexually dormant for exactly 8 1/2 years, unable to sustain physical intimacy in a relationship since the assault?if it wasn’t rape, then why did you attack me when I told you numerous times that I was a lesbian?if it wasn’t rape, then why did I need to go to somatic therapy in the form of jiu jitsu for a year and a half to be able to be okay with physical touch again?if it wasn’t rape, then why, after honestly sharing my story with multiple therapists and professionals that specialize in this, do they keep verifying that I was raped to help me heal and move forward after years of me gaslighting myself with your words in my head?because if it wasn’t rape, then why did you purposely threaten me that night and tell me that I couldn’t ever call it a rape or tell anybody that it happened?surely, if you had to mention it, you must have known that what you were doing was rape.
If you have been sexually assaulted, I believe you. And please reach out for help. Don’t sit alone with it for years letting it eat your life away like I did.
Utah Local Resources:
Utah’s 24-Hour Sexual Violence HelpLine: (801) 736-4356
Park City: Contact Peace House at (800) 647-9161. A team of caring and trained advocates is there to listen, provide emotional support, and assist you in exploring your options.
Salt Lake City: Rape Recovery Center: (801) 467-7282
https://www.raperecoverycenter.org/after-sexual-assault
Washington Local Resources:
Tacoma: Rebuilding Hope! Sexual Assault Center for Pierce County
24 Hour Hotline: (253) 474-7273
Office Phone: (253) 597-6424
Seattle: The Northwest Network
24 Hour Hotline: (866) 427-4747
Office Phone: (206) 568-7777
Renton: King County Sexual Assault Resource Center
24 Hour Hotline: (888) 998-6423
Office Phone: (425) 226-5062
National Resources:
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
