trauma turns you into an organized nutcase

Maybe it’s the state of the world, maybe it’s the times we’re living in -

But it’s almost like everything is blaring too loudly in my face for me to not have all of my ducks in a row.

Internally, externally, physically, digitally, socially, I am in this place of complete detox. Goodbye gmail, hello encryption. Goodbye walmart, hello durable locally-made products. Goodbye gluten, hello commitment to healing my psoriasis. Goodbye fake friends, hello truth and honesty about me and everything I’ve been through. Goodbye social media, hello great conversations in person. Goodbye fear of this man that has kept me silent for a decade, hello to telling my story to those who will listen.

God, it’s like the toughest week I’ve had in a long time, dealing with and reconciling so much SHIT, and yeah, I’ve laid around in the depths of my fear for a lot of it. But simultaneously, there is apart of me that is on fire and motivated to do EVERYTHING differently.

If I get sent an email I don’t want, it’s going in the trash. If I get a text I don’t want, it’s getting blocked. I bought an external hard drive to download all my photos to because the tech giants CANNOT HAVE THEM. I have been deep cleaning my room and keeping ALL THE THINGS I LOVE to take with me to Seattle. The thrifties are getting a ton of stuff from me this week.

And you know, maybe it’s because I’ve felt so dirty for so long, or just have dissociated for my life for so long, that now I finally feel alive and clean again. Maybe I finally feel online again, after detaching from everything that once was. Maybe it is this renewal in my energy where I feel like I actually have things organized for once, in all areas.

And look, I understand it’s not going to all be perfect. But I finally feel like I’ve got a system. I’m not just being pummeled by life and trying to survive it. OH MY GOD. That was me for years! Just trying to get by. Throwing out a line to see who would bite. Just throwing a hail mary to see if I would make it through alive to the next time period.

But no, that’s not now. Right now, weirdly, I feel the most me I ever have. It’s weird. I’m not the most successful person, I’m not completely free of the darkness, I still have pending complications in my life.

But the difference is I have a system to cope with it all. I have networks. I have contacts. I have confidence in how I live and the choices I make and how I organize my life. Yeah, my car’s got a few dents. No, I don’t own a home. I have debt. I don’t have a lover.

But I’m still here, and I can manage everything going on with me, and well, that’s gotta count for something in this ever-evolving process of living here on this planet.