i tried to save myself, but i’m still falling

That’s the writing prompt that popped up for me today, and I couldn’t help but scoff at it.

I’m not stupid, I know that I can’t save myself on my own completely, but I also know that others can’t save me either. So in that regard - how do you save yourself while also letting others witness your darkness sometimes so that you are engaged in healthy relationships?

We’re human beings, we need connection. I’d be lying if I wasn’t honest about all of the dark thoughts I’ve had lately, but goddamn it, they’re always there. I am an exhausting person to be connected to or to be friends with for that reason. Just when I feel like my head’s finally above water and I’m treading well, something comes along to push my head back under again and I start to drown.

Which makes me think of that Grey’s Anatomy episode that I used to be obsessed with in my early twenties, when I glorified death. You know, the one where Meredith goes to save the people on the ferry dock and she gets pushed into the Pacific Ocean? And she drowns and she decides to just stop fighting and she almost dies?

I get to that point a lot in life. I don’t know why. I know there’s a lot to live for and to be grateful for. My life is not as hard as many who have it really rough out there. I am privileged in so many ways.

And yet, the pain is often just way too much for me to bear that I just really want to stop fighting.

I wish I could magically trust well-meaning people to show up for me. I wish I wasn’t curled up in a tight defensive position all the time waiting for the next person to come along and kick the shit out of me.

I’d love to magically be in a different place - maybe on a boat, or a dock, or on a riverbank not at closer risk of drowning in the water. I have been working so hard to get there, believe me, it’s taken a lot of consistent work and grounding.

All I want to do is wake up every day and make a small, compassionate, positive difference in this world. And if I am not, there really is no reason for me to be here.

If I ever left, it wouldn’t be because you couldn’t keep me here with anything that is related to you. I would still carry so much love to everyone who was ever connected to me and cherish our memories and relationships and everything you did for me.

No. If I left, it would be because the darkness took too much of me and I didn’t want it to spread to anyone else I knew.

If I left, it would be because I was drowning, and didn’t tell anybody that I was because of how tired I am of always nearly drowning.

And that’s on me. Not on you.