unlovable

I stare at my body in the mirror. My stomach is toned. I am skinny as skinny can be. My arms are built with muscle. I don’t doubt that I do look good.

But I proceed to slip into my baggy pants and baggy sweaters, hiding any hint that my body even exists. And it’s not for the purpose of shame. I have worked hard on myself. I am proud of the work I’ve done on my body, my confidence, getting rid of my insecurities…I do love myself in many ways. Not just physically, either, so many aspects of me.

I think the incomfort is because I have the belief that I am unlovable. You know… like why show my body if I know it won’t be loved by anyone? Why share my accomplishments if I know that nobody will be close to me to share them with me? Why open up if I know I won’t be able to receive what others want to give me in an exchange?

So I settle for only giving.

How do you get rid of the belief that you are unlovable?

I’d probably have to learn how to bloom in places where people pick me.

Because I have tried the tactic of loving myself, and I really do put it into practice. I love the solitude. I love meeting my needs. It feels good. I am loved by myself.

I have tried the tactic of unconditionally loving others deeply. I love giving so much of myself. I love tuning into others needs and seeing them for who they are on a soul level. Others have expressed they are loved by me.

Them loving me…them loving me…

How do you trust and know that?

I can only speculate. And hope that with each inch I give to people, it someday grows into a belief that I can be - and am deeply loved for being me.