I carried you in the deepest part of my heart
kept you close, and never showed another your name
I told myself stories about the ways in which we were the same
Sat on your stoop with gifts, and roses
Posing for you, proving to you I’d never leave your side again.
But trust is a silly game, one that can’t be won.
It is only found within the rivers of my own veins
Within the keys to my own soul, within the bright codes of the sun.
I question whether you cared for me at all
I question if I was a fool for showing my own love by giving you so much time and space
For thinking if I waited another year for you to communicate
That the tense energy between us would fade away…
I was just an annoying little kid who wanted to play
and you were the older girl at recess who had to have things your way.
I don’t blame you, or the sickness eating your light.
I find that the only constant in this life is change.
And anyway, it is not something to think about anymore,
for it makes no logical sense in the world I live in.
So I give in
to the unknown, and to all the parts of you that you are not obligated to show me.
No taking pity on me, say you love my voice and then cut my throat.
Say that things are gonna be okay, then block me on your phone.
Say that catching up with me would be great, then throw our friendship away
in a short email while I’m sitting at the ocean alone.
I know it’s nothing personal, that you’re a ticking time bomb
just trying to figure out the chaos you hold in your own home.
Now I run circles in my head, and sit in other’s arms,
trying to fit the pieces together of what’s really been going on.
Regardless of anything between us,
it all just must have been something I was never meant to understand.
