pisces portal

I have been sad before,

But not like this.

Not grabbing for my chest because I cannot get it to stop convulsing while tears stream down my face.

I know this is my fault, and yours. We co-created this.

These tics are new, in my sensitive heart space. I have noticed them this past month. They are difficult to control.

This is not the most I have ever grieved, so I am not the most dramatic pisces in the world, I promise, but it does stand out.

I did not realize until today that you couldn’t hear my voice, and don’t care to,

When I can hear yours every day

It makes me crazy.

reminds me of that time in the 7th grade, staring at LJ’s myspace, wondering why she had unfriended me, listening to that Boats and Birds song over and over again, sobbing.

I never got an answer.

But these are the wounds that are supposed to come up, aren’t they? They need to be released, and now is the time to go a little deeper to get to the root of it all.

And I have learned a very important lesson with all of this pain.

It is such intense feeling that I cannot handle being inside my body, reliving this isolating feeling over and over and over again.

So I go into meditation, imagine destroying myself, shooting upwards towards the heavens, far away from my body, and I feel lighter and lighter.

When I arrive at the tippy top, angels are applauding and cheering. I ask them why they’re doing that, over something so painful.

And they say, “Don’t you know? You don’t lose when you die. You are celebrated for how long you played the game!”

After I hear this, I slam back into my body and open my eyes.

It’s not about winning or losing anything. It’s not about right or wrong. It’s not about feeling or not feeling. It’s not about learning the most, or feeling the most, or doing the most, or experiencing the most.

It’s not about her. It’s not about me. It’s not about this stupid situation.

…it’s about playing the game. And it’s about time I restrategize.