psychological rest
“Your life is easier because you don’t have a family to take care of.”
A judgement that I often take and confirm that is true, but woke up at 10 pm from an interesting dream after falling asleep after work at 6 pm and realized, hmm. That statement probably isn’t true…for me.
The single life. What happens when you don’t have a traditional family unit to take care of? You’re then presented with a whole array of people to take care of. I don’t just turn off the motherly instinct in me because I don’t have a wife and children. There is that saying that often people from religious backgrounds or who are obsessed with the traditional family unit throw out that is - “Well you just won’t understand until you’re a mother.”
Actually, I do understand, being a teacher. And there’s a sort of selfishness that can be found in both the single life-style and the lifestyle of only focusing on a traditional family and nobody else.
Similarly, there’s a sort of heightened empathy that can be found in both a single life-style and the lifestyle of only focusing on a traditional family. Both are true. We are all selfish and have empathic nurturing qualities. It all just depends on what you’re hyper-focused on as a human being.
Here’s me. A single woman. I’ve been in many different circles and have shown up with my whole heart in most of them. I’ve given to the gofundme’s of many different people in my communities that I have heavily empathized with. I donate $6 monthly to a girl my age who’s left a polygamist cult. I’ve funded families in Ethiopia. I’ve dove deep into relationships with friends and have given sweet gifts I’ve spent so much money and time on because of how much I care. I’ve showed up to numerous birthdays, weddings, have traveled far to visit those with families who can’t easily & often travel, and much more. I have been appreciated for all of this. I am often praised as the one “who shows up.” I don’t often talk about all of the ways I show up, because I see that as egotistical.
“We know Bri will be there, she shows up.”
Well, what has that cost me— that loyalty? Enormous amounts of money. Enormous amounts of time. Certain career paths. A lot of time I could have spent nurturing myself and growing myself or even building stability to have a traditional family of my own, if I even decide I want that—Finding myself in traumatic cycles because of my fierce loyalty to people who have treated me very inhumanely.
My life is not easier because I don’t have a traditional family of my own. In a way, it’s just as difficult, because I have to figure out who in my life is family worth giving to. Not everyone stays around as my family, regardless of how kind, motherly, and nurturing I am.
It’s all just what we’re hyper-focused on. Everyone struggles the same amount, in different ways.
And right now, I’m giving back to myself. You cannot get ahold of me. You are probably questioning if I’m the same “Bri that shows up.” I am hiding and focusing on my needs and building myself back to a place where I feel safe and can give again.
Because I have been in a state of constant fight or flight for as long as I can remember, and am just now realizing that it’s not sustainable, and that sometimes my fierce loyalty to others isn’t worth it.
I’m practicing the art of compassion towards myself, and the 6 people I call my close family, who I can barely even give to right now because of how worn and beaten down I am.
I’ve at least come to the place of recognition of my deeply rooted problems. I know why I have them. I have taken accountability for what I can change and have a plan in place to get myself to where I want to be, even if I know that healing isn’t linear.
I’m proud of the integration progress, and I have a deep, deep love for so many people in this world who are and are not blood family and do not regret how much I’ve shown up for so many. I will likely show up deeply again at some point.
But my lesson right now is showing up for me.
