“Well, actually, it’s not a lean. It’s a fall. It’s a surrender.”

Words expressed to me at an 8/8 Lion’s Gate women’s drum circle when I had put in an anonymous paper about how to lean more into being held.

I did not express that the paper was mine, naturally. That’s way too much attention on me. But as I laid in the middle of this circle on a mat and felt the drums echo around me and a few others who identify with hyper-independency, it was a moment I realized that the “leaning” is what has been my problem all this time.

You don’t get to experience actually being fully held if all you do is lean in and out depending on how safe you deem something in the moment.

When you’re fully in, you’re connecting from an authentic place. What is scary about that is you’re too close to someone who can harm you if they choose.

When you’re fully out, you are detached and making yourself happy. What is scary about that is getting lost in the loneliness.

When you’re leaning, you’re getting a weird in between mix of the two, where you get some hints of authenticity & connection but your guard is always up and people don’t know what to expect from you, or when you will lean away. Which you know, it’s my fault if that’s the coping mechanism that keeps me safe.

I still think about that former secret service agent who expressed to me that I don’t listen or connect because I’m worried about my safety. I do not know how to be anything different.

When do I let my guard down? When do I let my warmth & openness and deep care for others freely flow?

Or is that just an illusion? Does anybody actually do that?

Life experience is so weird. And hard to pin down with any words.

I’ll just let it be until it shows me something profound & different.

It always does.