with a voice as bright as the sun

“I’m probably not being much help to you, I’m just rambling,” she says to me over the phone held up closely to my ear. I was staring out the window of my little small town cafe, contemplating what she had just shared with me about life purpose and what it means to her. The sky was beginning to get darker and my eyebrows furrowed as I put my hand up to my right cheek and really absorbed what her energy was trying to auditorily portray to me in the empty and dimly lit coffee shop.

“No, it’s great, I just like listening to you talk.” I said, because I really did. The frequency of her voice was one of comfort and warmth, and as I was continually reading her energy as she spoke, I was beginning to feel the same. Her ‘transformational trainer’ self seemed excited to be diving deep into my desires.

“Well, ok, so let’s talk about it for you. What gets you out of bed in the morning?” She brightly questioned, and I sighed, going silent for a long while, lost in my thoughts. She sat in silence on the other end with me.

“That’s literally the hardest question anyone’s ever asked me.” I finally replied, not wanting to let the quiet go for too long. I was a little shameful, thinking about how most of my life I’d never wanted to get out of bed.

She playfully chuckled a little bit as she let me continue ruminating on it. And then something came to me. If there was nothing else getting me out of bed every day, it was probably the curiosity - the wondering of what would happen next in my soul story.

“Curiosity?” I said, very unsure of myself. Was that a reason to get out of bed?

“Ohh, okay. Curiosity of what?” She was amused.

“Connection?” It came out of my mouth quickly and I figured it was probably true. How much of my life had I wondered about how to really connect with other people, to go deep with them without feeling unsafe, to feel physically and intimately and spiritually connected to it all. That was the point of this thing for me.

“Hmm. You know, for someone who thinks they lack connection, you’re one of the most connected people I’ve ever met. You’re like an octopus with all your tentacles reaching out to connect with everyone - and really - everything energetically. That’s what I see, at least.” She said it matter-of-factly, and I could see why she thought that.

“I can sit here and read the energy of everyone and everything. I can see why people do what they do, I can tell them the nature of their souls, I can go into their fears, I can love them deeply and unconditionally for exactly who they are, but I can’t talk to them about it, so what’s the point?” I sighed.

“Yeah, but you’re getting better at it.” Her voice brightened the conversation again. Her optimism waking me up to what this sad, sulky Pisces often missed. The Capricorn Point.

“Mmhmm. Well, yeah, I guess I am getting better.” I admitted, and at this, I got up and began pacing around the shop. Looking outside again to view the last light of the sun in the distance going down over the mountain. Another prompt came to me as I looked at the sunset in silence.

“Individuation and having one thing you’re working and building towards in life is risky. That’s the - I don’t even know what to call it - like, pressure point I see in my relationship and my soul contract with you. Because I desire to individuate, but I’m also in fear of it, and I see you doing it so clearly.” Now I was really getting into this, seeing it a little clearer and actually communicating it to her. It was something I was not used to doing. Maybe I was getting better at physically talking about these deep topics after all.

“Mmm. And so what’s the risk of it?” She asked me.

“That I spend all my time and energy working towards one thing in life, and miss out on all of the other things I could be doing, because all of the other things in life have purpose, too!” I turned and walked back towards my cushioned seat as the sun was now down over the mountain. I sat, my arms sprawled along the back of the booth.

“You’re telling me. That’s what just happened to me the past two years.” She chuckled again and paused to think of what to say next.

“I don’t know how to just be like you, there is a lot of wisdom I could learn from how you behave. This conversation is so fascinating - you’re one of two people who has called to ask me about this. It’s just fascinating to see how we’re on different journeys, thinking about the same thing.” Her voice rang like music in my ears, bringing up a vision of a bright golden sun.

“It is really fascinating. We’re on opposite sides of the spectrum, almost trying to do what the other is doing.” I thought about it, how her energy and mine were seemingly opposites, how her wounds were me, how my wounds were her in certain ways. It was such an interesting soul contract. One I was expecting to lose, but realized only a few days earlier I desperately wanted to keep.

“So I guess we just continue to talk about our journeys and we’ll see what happens,” she expressed. “I’ll call you when I have questions on how to just be -”

“And I’ll call you when I don’t know what to do.” I said with a smile.

“Exactly. Thanks for trusting me with this hard conversation Bri, I know it’s not easy for us to have these talks sometimes.” Tears swelled in my eyes as I cherished this mentor and good friend of mine willing to have a hard conversation with me.

“I’m not good at speaking it, but I hope you can feel my love.”

“I do.” She spoke with a gentleness.

And after that, we both hung up the phone.