yes, I’ll listen to the badass secret service agent
I’m going to give credit and authority to a person who was helping people to safety during 9/11 as the twin towers collapsed around her and nearly killed her. Will I give her all of the authority? No. But in regards to this subject, I will. Because she’s been an interrogator and has worked alongside perhaps the most authoritative people in society, presidents and others. There’s likely a lot I can learn from her. (Naturally, she’s a Capricorn as well. Not a surprise.)
This week she taught our class about listening. I’ve always prided myself on being a good listener. Actually, hell, everyone around me has praised me for being a good listener, empathic, a compassionate ear. So I thought I knew a lot.
Turns out I don’t really know a thing about listening, and this week I become a student.
Because I asked her a question - it wasn’t anything special. It was me being honest about how I show up. I listen in conversations for safety. So I asked her, “how can I actively listen in conversations not just for safety, but to connect with others? I feel like me listening for safety gets in the way of connecting with other people.”
And that’s when she got real with me, because that’s what she promised all of us who signed up.
“Listen, you saying that makes me think there must have been something pretty bad that happened to you. Are you doing this in every single conversation? Because if you are, you’re not actively listening. You’re in F3 trauma response. Anytime you feel heightened in a situation, where you’re not comfortable or secure, you’re not listening, it’s about you and your safety. That’s not a bad thing, but that’s what's happening. So in those moments, to actively listen, it can’t be about you, it has to be about them.”
And of course at first when she was responding I got a little defensive in my head. “But people tell me I’m a good listener! I listen so I know more about them!” But then it soon hit me. I’m not a good listener, I’m a good energy reader. It’s different. Knowing things about people isn’t connecting with them on a human level. Catching onto the motives and behaviors of people isn’t actually listening to what they’re saying. mind blown.
So that’s what I’ve decided to change about myself starting this week. I imagine it’s going to be a lot of work. I want to be present with people when they’re speaking to me so I can really hear them. In conversations this week, I’m going to monitor my F3 response and see if I can’t manage my emotions in social situations and actually listen and respond to what people are sharing in interesting and connecting ways.
Another guy that was on the Zoom who had more to share about this topic said it like this:
“I’m not saying that it’s not important to assess the situation to see if you’re safe. Don’t ignore what your responses are trying to tell you. What I’m saying is take it situation by situation. Assess if you’re safe in that conversation, then if you are, after like 10-15 minutes of talking to this person, create the container to actively listen and connect.”
And you know, because I’m not a great listener, I actually don’t know if that’s exactly what he said, but it’s what I heard, and I think it’s very good advice.
Are you in service or self? And why don’t you move between the two? It’s okay to move between the two. There are moments to be in service. There are moments to be in self.
