a letter to my best friend

Dear best friend,

I was driving home the other day, lost in the dark thoughts swirling around in my head and the ache in my chest. My mind wandered to all of the people who I care about. I pondered on their lives and how they would be supported and held by others who love them if I chose to leave tomorrow. I reconciled with myself over the decision of leaving them, how it would be hard for them at first, but that they would eventually just move forward with the acceptance of my abandoning them. They’d see I was lost in my pain at the time- lost in the darkness of the world and just couldn’t climb out, no matter what I did or how hard I tried to transmute it all through creativity, and magic, and movement.

But then my thoughts wandered to you, and I started sobbing. Because I couldn’t bare the thought of you never receiving another voice memo from me. I couldn’t bare the thought of you reaching out, wondering where I had gone. It was more painful than the thought of my own soul leaving this fucked up body.

So I have to sincerely thank you today for saving me. I really could thank you every day for saving me. There is not another who knows and understands the depths of me and how I operate. If I left, you would be the first to know. I know your soul would feel it instantly.

I don’t know what I would do without you… but I have a feeling I would fly far away. Call it attachment, I guess, but I think it’s a good thing. I need to be attached to someone or something to stay awake in this realm.

It’s you and me against this crazy multidimensional experience. You and me, beautiful.

And I promise I’m not going anywhere anytime soon, as excruciating as it all may be. I promise.

Love,

Bri