an ode to my pillars
Each of you supporting growth in a different part of me, together, a beautiful mycelial network of souls carrying me home.
Squish.
I begin with you, the one who’s been next to me since age 9 calling me squish. There is no one else who I can sit next to in silence and know that I am seen through all parts of my life from such an early age. I am blessed to have you. To share my weird quirks with you even if you don’t understand them. To know that even if I say the most outlandish thing, you’ll still see me for that soul I was when I was 9 and know that we stay best friends through it all. And we’ll laugh together, and buy Wendy’s, and sit in a bed and watch Charmed. And you’ll yell at people on the road and we’ll talk about our ridiculous upbringings and friendships and experiences in the very different lives that we’re living and I’ll be safe. Because it’s you. You ground me. Whenever I get too far away, I just come back to where you are and I am okay.
Starsister.
Then there’s you, somehow the person I’ve known the shortest amount of time, but who meets me out in the stars. We fly to each planet together, connecting on the magic, reading the akashic records, riding energy waves at the same time, experiencing similar energy at the same time. When I met you I had no filter, and there hasn’t been one since. We will sing our songs to each other through time and space, send our galactic transmissions back and forth on this planet and the next. We play and we love hard and we feel intensely and we see the soul-growth themes in our trauma and we express ourselves fiercely through it all and I am so glad you exist so I know there’s another alien here on this dense planet with me, too. There is not one thing that I go through that I can’t share intimately with you. You see me in all realms. My best starsister. My mystical soulmate. You came into this Earth life to show me I’m not alone. I love cry about you alot.
Pen Pal.
What can I say about you? Our friendship is and has always been bizarre. You’re out there, I’m in here. You’re traveling the world, I’m traveling the states. You’ve got all the fun dating and love stories and I carry on about the same old person. You moved across the country at age 18, and I said, “Oh! People do that?” So I moved, too. 3 hour FaceTimes. Long periods of time apart, but then nothing but laughter and hilarious stories about the ridiculous situations we find ourselves in when we connect again. Blogs to each other for years about how we grew from teens to 30 year olds. Deep poetic conversations and also complete laugh attacks about how stupid we can be. We’ll keep living out our interesting life experiences, connecting and laughing, showing our Mormon families and friends how we do this thing different. We’ll be misunderstood, and chaotic the entire way. But at least we’ll have each other, and that funny old blog to be authentic about it all. I hold onto you and to that, always.
Bass Bud.
Told myself I’d never trust a straight man again, then you walked into my life and I realized that way of thinking was dumb. You sat quietly across from me on the floor with a bass as I sat with my guitar and told me all of the ways you were working to be kind. You listened to the songs of my soul deeply and intently, and added your parts to make them better, supporting my creative process. You encouraged me to share my talents, and promised to be there next to me as I did, so it wasn’t so scary. You accepted my crazy ideas. You held a beautiful safe boundary and container for me to creatively play in. You have shown me respect, have loved me for my experiences, have trusted me with your dark parts in a way that is not toxic or problematic, and have allowed me to work on trusting and loving the masculine for the strength and structure that it can be, helping me integrate it into myself. I know you are not perfect. I don’t expect you to be. You are a beautiful mirror. I see the ways you are always working to be gentle and kind to yourself and everything around you: people, plants, animals. Because of you, I work to do that in my life, too.
Art Hands.
Curiosity kissed the cat with you. We seem to have started at opposite ends and have met in the middle, more aware and more accepting. It is special when you can learn and grow with someone so different from you and feel held in those differences. After all, I’m in space, you’re in duck poop. I’m talking to aliens, you’re making art with leaves. I’m swimming in the energy of everyone to understand the soul experience and you’re out there connecting and talking with everyone on Earth from your heARTspace. You’ve intentionally knocked on the door of my heart many times with your eloquent voice and I said, well, I guess you can come in if you want to. You’ve always wanted to. I haven’t recognized how special that is, being someone who is used to playing small and giving everything away. Someone wants to give something to me? Why? Someone made something for me? Why? Okay, I’ll make you something, too. We are exchanging energy equally? We are giving and receiving authentically from the heart? We are connecting and building together in person and from far away? I can share all my interesting quirks with you? I didn’t know. It heals me. You heal me. You inspire my radical creativity. I love you.
Tree Boy.
No one else have I ever been more entranced by. I have to admit I’m in love with you, but in a way that has nothing to do with sexual attraction. It is more your passion for life. For all of the instances you have asked me what’s happening in here when no one else did. You’ve freely showed your body and soul in all of it’s playful glamour and I said, oh sure, I guess I can share mine. I don’t know what a body is but here, you and our friends can see it. You pulled it out of me. I’ll look at the fractals and many different colors with you. I’m down to do anything, even an escape room. I’m a shell of a human with no experience, let’s go have fun, and talk about all of the interesting ways that people experience things. When I think about you, I think about all of the times I have held everything in without knowing how to process it, and then I walk into a room with only you in it and you curiously look up at me with that gentle demeanor of yours, and I let the tears just fall where they may. That’s true safety. Your energy is safe to me. When you met me I was a recently out scared lesbian girl who didn’t know what being me meant, and then I met queer wonderful you, creating yourself beautifully every day, someone not afraid of labels, or status, or judgment. You were just you. Seeing all different sides of the coin. Using your diplomatic voice. Coming from love, playfulness, curiosity, and kindness in whatever situation you’re in. You always say you haven’t done much and you don’t know why I make you out to be such a big deal but it’s because to me it’s always been about the person you’ve decided to show up as. You embody so much I see that you don’t even realize how amazing you are. I wish you could see it all from where I stand. Knowing you has changed my entire life. You’ve grounded me into this Earth experience in more ways than I can count. I am grateful.
Fashion Queen.
I met you 8 years ago. Picked you out in a room of full of people and said, "Yeah, probably her, that's the one I wanna be close to." You didn't question it. We danced to Beyonce and Hilary Duff. I drove 45 minutes every night to sleep on the floor of a moldy house on Alder Street in Seattle just to be close to yours and his energy. I don't know why I paid rent that year, I was never home. Truth is, you made me feel free, and I needed to feel free. You couldn't let anything stay the same for too long and I needed the spontaneity. You were happy to bring me along wherever you went. When you charmed your way into fun trips and experiences with the interesting people your Libra self encountered, you always found a way to wiggle me in. This isolated, silent and terrified Pisces has always been incredibly grateful. Random parties, random sailboats, random islands, random trips with you to see numerous family members. The hikes, the road trips, the time you got married just cuz you wanted to and we all wore wedding dresses and ran through the streets of Seattle. Hotel Motel Hot Tub Sauna. Rubblebucket. Laying on the ground with you in the backyard when you received devastating news. Ridiculous Bunco outfits. When you lived in Daryl. Bainbridge Adventures. Sh'Bang Festival. Dance parties. RuPaul. You changing around the furniture in the house every five days! I don't know why I followed you here. I don't know why I move symbiotically beside you. All I really know is I love you a lot. I can be anything with you, even if you don't understand the weirdest parts of me and how I operate. You don't need the words or the explanations, and neither do I. Perhaps that's how we hold each other. Living life experience with you is an adventure. A new world every day that I love to explore. Thank you for being beautiful, unique, spontaneous, playful, genuine you. Knowing you has saved me in so many ways, and I am so grateful.
Virgo Mother.
I seemingly stumbled into you one day, not knowing that you would be someone who would change my life forever. When I engage with you I feel a little like I am talking to myself in the future. Which is interesting, because I’ve never wanted to have a future. So many days of wanting to destroy myself because of the love I never received, so many times I’ve plead to the universe to please take me out before I turn 30, because I can’t continue on this pain-filled planet any longer. And now I am 30, and I know you, and everything is different. You are this divine mirror of the nurturing I want to give myself. The nurturing I’d like to give others someday. You are a gentle, compassionate, wisdom-filled being, moving through the world as love. You do not shout it at others like it is something you want them to know about you. You also do not hide it away like you are ashamed of it. You express you, in the comfort of your own home that you tend to. It is beautiful to witness. I would probably not listen to anyone if they gave me advice these days, because of my past, but I would listen to you, every time. There have been so many times I have excitedly told you something I feel like I know, and heard your response, and am instantly humbled, knowing your wisdom wins out. Your wisdom teaches more. Because it is backed with the experience of you. I learn so much from your experience on this planet. Sure, I may not have known you my entire life. But the way we talk, it seems as if we’ve been having these coffee talks for many lifetimes. I’ll always keep reaching out to you, asking when to meet, through time and space. I want to know where you’ve walked, what you know, where you’ve been. I want to bounce my latest ideas on spirituality off of your bright eyes and gentle smile. So don’t worry, I’ll keep going. I want to experience it all, because I see that you have, and still are. I met her so I could meet you. I know that to be true.
Sister Step Sister.
What would I do without you? My family pillar. Your open and listening heart has collected me many times when I am confused about my life. Not many get certain situations that you and I get. Between you and I, we’ll carry this family somewhere. With our acceptance and love, we’ll create something beautiful out of all of this chaos. You’ll meet and connect with me on whatever topic I want to spew. You’ll listen and you’ll engage. You’ll do the work with me. We’ll take on the difficult unpacking of misogyny and religion. I can tell you what’s happened to me, so someone in the family knows what’s going on. I trust you with my life, and my death. Your kindness and generosity never goes unnoticed by me. You have supported everyone in the family and all of their darkness as I ran off and found myself. I don’t take it lightly. You are the strong one. You are the mother raising kids in an emotionally intelligent way and doing the work. Of course you have more things to learn. You are doing a beautiful job where you’re at. Don’t be so critical of yourself. Take it a step at a time. I wish you could see the power and beauty I always see in you. Thank you for always scooping me up when I don’t know where I stand.
