Signs of emotional manipulation in a relationship
Recently I have been processing unhealthy relationships and things that were said in the relationship where I should have been setting boundaries and advocating for myself instead of going deeper into the relationship and/or surrendering more of my control. I thought they could be of support to someone else out there who may not know if they’re in this kind of relationship or are not able to recognize what is abusive or controlling due to lack of personal boundaries.
We should all be accountable for the ways we continue to show up in our relationships. It is not only about “diagnosing the other person as too sensitive or too controlling.” If you’re the empath in this kind of relationship where these things are said, you could be accountable for setting boundaries and being consistent with those boundaries, or choosing different relationships altogether. If you’re the more controlling one, you could learn how to connect more with your emotions and be more self-aware of your actions and how they affect others.
“You don’t love me if you don’t…” (their emotions are dependent on what you do)
“If you cared about me then you would…” (do what they say or they’ll be upset)
“You know so much more than me about emotions.” (they’re not going to learn about their emotions, they’re going to unload all of them on you because it’s your job to manage them)
“____ is a vindictive liar who’s always drinking/on drugs!” (they might be the vindictive liar always drinking/on drugs and want your emotional investment in them berating others)
“You just make me feel so safe” (you’re in charge of making them feel good)
You share a personal thing about you (they don’t say anything about it and change the subject to something about them)
“Look at all of these things I do for you.” (you should feel bad because you’re not doing enough for them)
“You can trust me because I’m a spiritual person and I do my work.” (not taking accountability & justifying their toxic behavior with an excuse that sounds nice)
“I’m the only one who really cares and shows up for you.” (wanting to isolate you from others so that they have more control over what you do.)
Texts at 2am telling you how much they love you (they could be drunk and won’t remember it in the morning)
“Why are you upset? Sex is just sex” (if they don’t ask for consent, are violent or careless in any way regarding sex, it’s not their fault, it’s yours for being naive and young)
“It’s your fault we’re not close anymore.” (they don’t know how to see outside of themselves. they don’t know how to take accountability for their actions.)
“You’re being too sensitive.” (they want control in the situation, your emotions become the problem)
“I won’t talk to you unless you…” (they’re refusing to give you love/attention until you do what they want you to do)
Stonewalling, slamming doors, and not talking to you for long periods of time (making you feel anxious and waiting until you make them feel better to see if you truly love them)
“I don’t focus on the bad things, only you do.” (making you feel bad about bringing up conflict to talk through. In healthy relationships, you should feel safe enough to talk through conflict with another)
“Sounds like a personal problem, you need therapy.” (You’re always the problem, it’s never them. They know best)
“I’m going to kill myself if you don’t reply to me.” (You’re their stated “reason for survival”, they’re fully emotionally dependent on you and what you do.)
If you are experiencing any of these, or experienced these things growing up with close family members, you’re not alone. In my opinion, emotional violence is the hardest to reconcile, because it gets integrated into who you identify yourself to be mentally, and once belief systems are apart of your identity, they are harder to release.
We are doing the best we can, and we are a generation evolving and learning more about boundaries and what is and isn’t okay to experience in relationship and how to nurture ourselves. Healing involves taking one step at a time, and processing these things takes a lot of reflection. Be gentle with yourselves. I’m sure working to be more gentle with me.
