embodiment of energy

I don’t sleep as much these days. Which is great. I’m awake. It means I’ve finally got something to say.

I can’t tell you who Bri was two weeks ago, because she is not who I am now. This is something that is hard to explain. I don’t expect everyone to understand how looking at and altering energy changes me. Some probably think it’s make-believe.

All those years ago I ran far away to the furthest outstretch of land, looked out at Cape Flattery at the tip of the continent, on the cliffs of the Pacific Ocean, and still couldn’t get far enough. When I realized that place was just a place, and got lost in the waves of her songs and her magnetic blue eyes, I turned back around. Started facing everything that tormented me.

I had no choice. I was laying on the floor convulsing in an immoveable body, that’s what happens when you carry your grief for too long.

And so I looked literal demons in the eye and screamed some of it away, and trekked to the opposite side of the states, and looked out at the ocean sitting on the rocks at Cape Cod. When I realized she didn’t want anything to do with me there, I realized I didn’t want anything to do with me, too. That version of me was someone I was through holding onto.

So I glanced back at the point where everything changed, to where my life blew up, and saw everything for what it was, and felt a terror but then an acceptance that was new.

The energies I’ve been running from are the very ones that hold the deepest truths, and the deepest love. Fear has been a door to the dreams I wish I could make real while I sit in the illusion of everything in this life that seems so fulfilling and fun.

So I could tell you all of the ways I have changed. I could give you a resume, list my skills, give you all of the examples of everything I’ve ever done. But that Bri is nothing compared to the one standing here, blossoming in light in more ways than one. Sure, she might get in her car this time and drive, but it won’t be because she is running away. She’ll be going to a place she intends to grow and change with intention and grace.

It doesn’t matter how much we know. Go ahead, tell me all of the ways you understand how you need to change, it won’t impress me. Not even if you implement a daily routine. What’s a way to change it all? How do you alter the energy?

Open the door of fear to embody what you’ve learned.

See what kind of things you manifest then. I’m not an expert, but I’m a witness.