dancing with myself to billie holiday

What people should first understand about me, always, is that I am most definitely and positivitively an enneagram type 4. I am the romantic. Without a doubt. Fitting to talk about this close to Valentine’s Day. If I had a Valentine, I would spoil them. It’s just how my brain works.

You will find me swaying back and forth in the kitchen whilst cooking couscous imagining I am dancing with someone in the middle of a dance floor, and we are dancing really badly, and laughing about it. If you witnessed it you might ask, “what are you doing, Bri, where are you right now?” And I’ll hesitantly tell you, because I fear your judgment but I want to be authentically me. I would say “I am dreaming of a partner I am making jokes with back and forth as we cook a dinner together. I am imagining romantic scenarios of us taking walks together, and going on adventures, and doing crafts and creative things together. I am even imagining of doing all of these things with myself, independent, without a partner. I am just imagining in general. I am in constant vision about things that make me feel good, and things I want to do while I’m alive here.”

Now, yes, that shows up as my pisces escapism. And it has been only recently where I have come back to Earth and realized that I can have those dreams and still be present and connected to what’s going on here in this realm. Actually, to go even further, I can have those dreams and actually bring them into the physical realm and not just experience them in the energetic realm. Crazy, right?

Like, right now, I’m currently surprised at the experience I am having of enjoying and tasting this chicken and couscous. Because I’m not used to doing that. But I’m doing more of that. It doesn’t mean it’s very natural to me, though. The fact that I now spend 45 minutes cooking meals at night is just WILD. That has never happened before. The fact that I’m even having the thought of, “I actually really like couscous” is wild to me. Because I’m not used to being this attached to food. This, I would say, is PROGRESS.

I see balance in a whole new way these days, even through the eyes of others. I now fully understand that the things I do for balance have to be completely different from everybody else, because of my different energetic and physical makeup. I am awakened to the needs of my specific unique soul and physical being and that feels really really nice.

I have been reflecting this past week on all of the work I have put into myself, spiritually, mentally, and physically, and how it has been reflected to me as of late. All of the random people popping up in my world telling me how much they love me. Even people I haven’t known for that long at all. And it is me having the reaction of, well, I can see why you love me, because I love me too. I’ve put a lot of work into this cosmic being living here on Earth and I see that love in me, and in you. The reflection is everywhere. It’s a beautiful feeling.

I am nowhere near perfect and never will be. I do not write these blogs to express how evolved I am, I write them to see the different spaces I move through as this unique expression of divine consciousness.

And I can say, that writing this right now, I can’t think of any triggers. I can’t think of anything that makes me mad. I can’t think of anyone who makes me really sad. And that’s not because I don’t feel those emotions EVER, because I do. I just, right now in this moment, from where I am operating in my consciousness, have a deeper spiritual understanding of how the world works, and why everyone and everything operates as it does. We are in one huge simulation. We are carrying out soul contracts. We are working to evolve through experience, and communication, and love, and lack thereof.

And so, yeah, when I’m engaged in the energy of others, and my physical and energetic being is affected, and thrown around, and there is little time to react, maybe I revert to old tendencies and understandings. Even though lately, I have been proudly putting up more physical, mental and energetic boundaries.

I think what I’m trying to get at is that feeling of moving through different spaces of consciousness.

I think the mind likes to be attached to one being. It’s like, “well you’re this Bri who does this.” Meanwhile the soul is like, “actually I’m a bunch of different Bri things. On earth I’m behaving as what you’re witnessing through self-perception, though.”

So it’s almost allowing that mental self and spirit self to integrate. To talk to one another. To tell each other, like, “Hey, are you being more human right now or are you being more spirit? Because it’s gonna make relationships and shit confusing if we don’t really know, moment to moment, trying to communicate in this human body.” And you know, like, allowing yourself to be that being that operates in different spaces of consciousness. The acceptance that comes with that.

I like thinking about that. I like the thought of accepting me in the different states I show up in, and in the different soul contracts I show up in, knowing that it is all for the purpose of learning more about the self, the soul, the world, etc.

Compassion comes out on top, always though.

Compassion for others, for sure. And lately, for me, this nurturing, grounding compassion for the self. The feeding of the body. The sipping of tea. The petting of dogs. Dressing in colorful clothes. Feeling my body sink into the floor while laying in a yoga position. Watching my body move in the mirror as I dance.

It’s all incredible, for sure. I see what I’ve been missing all this time. I can honestly say… I’m happy to be here. Soul Bri, Astral Bri, Mental Bri, and Physical Bri - they’re all happy to be here.