Not doing well at grounding today.
But I am being patient with myself, because of the circumstances. It was hard to get out of bed. It was hard to get out of my head.
An extremely chatty day. I can’t believe I talked to 3 of my best friends extensively today about love. The energy always hits all at once like that. It is 100% Venus retrograde. I am grateful for friends I feel safe to express all parts of myself to.
“the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return”.
- Moulin Rouge
All I ate was a few bites of egg and bacon and some trail mix. Some days I get dramatic and think it wouldn’t matter that much if I just withered away. I look at my body in the mirror and know it shouldn’t look that skinny, but eating is so hard for me. It more comes from a place of not wanting to feel heavy, it has nothing to do with looks, though I am trying to care more about this weird meat suit, I guess. I definitely wanted to disappear without a trace and never be heard from again on the last day of 2021. But I wouldn’t want to leave taking that karma with me.
Here I am, writing to myself on this blog. It’s funny that in my head I sometimes worry about what other people will read, but then I remember that nobody cares that much. Nobody is going to take the time out of their day to read all of my blogs. Not my parents. Not family members. Not my friends. And that’s not in a self-depricating “they don’t care about me” kind of way. It’s in the way of, “People are going through a lot of shit, and reading all about you is probably not high on their priority list, BRI.” And I feel that in a hilarious way at a soul level. ‘Tis not about me! Which actually brings me relief in the end because I love that I can just write freely and express whatever I want to.
I have been working on taking very deep breaths to come back into my body.
I look around at my support system and I am mystified at who stands in my immediate circle. Without them I wouldn’t be alive today, with my intense feelings and very sensitive self-destructive nature, not really being brought up with an emotional support system. Ultimately I know it is because of myself that I have chosen to stay and explore more on this planet, but they are my pillars. They help me build. They are there for me to talk to about where I’m going, to get me out of my head. It is so important. They are helping me build secure attachment within myself, so that others can feel secure with me, too.
I am still grieving, very much so. I want the process to just be over but there is too much coming up, and I know I need to honor where they are going. So many things I am tearing myself apart about. So many ways I feel misunderstood, and about how that is my fault because it is not easy for me to communicate the things I would need to say to not feel misunderstood.
When you live a life through a very different lens, it is very easy to be misunderstood. I forget that to some people, I would have to describe my entire life experience for them to understand even on a minute level what I am experiencing in a moment, based on my belief systems. I am a very different being. But at least I have some acceptance of that. I didn’t come here to be ordinary.
I am aware of the astrology over this coming month. Molly is always right in her podcast with how the energies feel. I have ample the idea in my head of all of these creative projects I want to start for this year, and yet, there is a slow-down with what I feel I am able to take on right now, in this state of grief.
But I am careful with my emotional processes these days, ever since I learned how highly sensitive I am. I am going to move this all through and I am going to feel all of it, as hard as that may be. We’re not carrying this forward. We are stepping into lighter, happier, freer, joy-filled days.
I feel it coming in the energy. I feel it coming for everyone, not just me.
When I take care of my spiritual, emotional, and physical health I am rewarded, always. So I’m gonna keep on doing that.
I’ll get to the fun days soon.
