second time
I wrote a whole blog just now, and deleted it, because I needed to write a second time.
And those words were inspiring, sure, but they were another version of me. One that was looking to be seen. But by the time I got to the end of it I realized I saw myself a whole lot clearer and didn’t want to write a blog like that.
Funny the states that we operate in, and through. How we move through different states of consciousness all the time. There’s so much shame people place on it sometimes, saying the light ones are better, the good ones are best. Well fuck all that, to put it nicely.
I would not be as bright as I am today without the dark spaces that got me here. Every thought of shame, every suicidal ideation. Every messed up thought I’ve ever had. Sometimes it was me. Sometimes it was a being trying to convince me it was me. I wonder all the time how much it happens to all of you without you even knowing it.
Last night I kept feeling extreme anxiety in my chest, and I’m so aware of my energy that I simply asked, “Anxiety? Why am I feeling anxiety?” And I realized that the energy wasn’t mine. And I did what I do, and I cleared my energy field, and it went away, and I went peacefully to sleep.
Which is just bizarre to me, because I can think of about a kajillion times in my life that I felt that feeling and instantly alarms went off in my head telling me it was all me! Me, me, me! I’m the problem! Shame! Pain! Like, that’s all I ever did for most of my life, I truly can’t believe that a version of me like that used to exist.
It’s funny, people, (like 23 year old me) might think being egotistical is being the one standing on the stage, telling everyone to look at them and give them attention, but really, it’s also the victims of the world, the ones that are like 23 year old me. People hurt because of me! I ruin everyone’s life! I’m the problem! I’ll leave so everything gets better! I am pain! Well that’s ego, too, past Bri.
And now I’m laughing, because here I am, about to stand on a stage, feeling the most selfless and compassionate I’ve ever felt, not thinking about saying the things I’m saying for the gain of myself at all. And even if I did, I would expect it all to crumble and fall and for me to learn something new because I know it would not supported by spirit, in the grand scheme of things. I have done so much soul-growth to get here. I don’t doubt that I have so much more to go. (This blog is SOO CHIRON IN LEO)
I don’t pretend to know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I just woke up today, and then made breakfast, and then did 3 hours of work at an accounting firm. And then I did some Yoga, and some visual meditations, and then I made lunch. And then I fed the cat, changed her water, and called some apartment places, and watered the plants, and worked on my book. And then I practiced my presentation, went for a walk, and made a chicken salad because it made me think of Michael. Then I watched a funny show, and did the dishes. And as I was winding down I wrote a blog, and then another one for a second time, and suddenly thought about my life in terms of what I’m doing right now, and about how much power that gives me. Do you know how much creative power is in one moment? And how quickly things change because of it?
I don’t know how much longer this meat suit called Bri will be breathing, I just know that she’ll be at peace with you right here, right now, as she’s doing it.
And she may not operate in this sweet state of consciousness forever, but she can sure try to capture it in this moment of time.
